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Jokes

  • I Don’t Do Drugs.

    in

    I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

  • Use the Word…

    in

    Teacher: Jimmy, use the word “handsome” in a sentence. Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya? Teacher: No, no, that’s not right. You have one more chance. Use the word “gladiator” in a sentence. Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I’m gladiator.

  • You are a Redneck If… #23

    in

    You are a redneck if: you’ve ever gotten a headache reading the newspaper.

  • Top 10 Funny Store Signs

    in

    1.Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.” 2.Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.” 3.On a desk in a reception room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.” 4.In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!” 5.At the electric company: “We would…

  • Alphabet Problem

    in

    Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet? Alvin: 18. Teacher: Wrong, there are 26. Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.

  • POPE

    in

    In Year 1981 1. Prince Charles got married 2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes 4. Pope Died In Year 2005 1. Prince Charles got married (again) 2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe(again) 3. Australia lost the Ashes (again) 4. Pope Died (again) Moral of the story – In future, if…

  • Miscellaneous Terms

    in

    INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.…

  • As The Checkout Line Churns

    in

    (I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…) Me: “Your last name is [name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle* Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?” Me: “Oh, I was joking,…

  • Smoke Rings

    in

    Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, “My dad can blow smoke rings.” The second boy said, “My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose.” The third boy said, “Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt.” The first and second boys where…

  • Inflatable Doll

    in

    A guy goes in an adult book store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?” Customer says, “Female.” Counter guy asks, “Black or white?” Customer says, “White.” Counter guy asks, “Radical Christian or Muslim Extremist?” Customer says, “What the hell does religion have to do with it?” Counter…

  • NEW DRUGS FOR MEN

    in

    With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men’s sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society. Here are a few of the new ones: DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips…

  • U Might be

    in

    If you work without a shirt on, and so does your husband, you might be a redneck.