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Jokes

  • An Orangutan’s Reading List

    in

    One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books?” “Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

  • Shipwrecked

    in

    Bob was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove Joe crazy. “Don’t you understand?!? We’re going to die!!” Bob replied, “You don’t understand, I make $100,000 a week.” Joe looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, “What difference does that make?!? We’re on an island with no food and no…

  • You’ll Never Understand English

    in

    If a fly can fly, can an elephant elephant?

  • Who Pushed Me?!?!?!?

    in

    Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every…

  • DOCTOR, DOCTOR:…

    in

    Patient: Doctor doctor, J keep seeing doubles! Doctor: Please take a seat. Patient: Which one?

  • How Far Did the Dog Run

    in

    Peter decided to walk to the local waterfall, 10 miles away. At the moment he started, his dog ran off from his side and proceeded to the waterfall at a constant 8 miles per hour. As soon as the dog reached the waterfall, it started the return journey to Peter, keeping to the same speed.…

  • You Couldn’t Make It Up II

    in

    British Columbia, Canada: Police officers on patrol about 1:00 am spotted 4 men breaking into a vehicle. They gave chase on foot, catching and arresting two of the men. The other two escaped. A couple of hours later, two men showed up at the main desk of the police station, asking when their buddies were…

  • Catch an Elephant

    in

    How do you catch an elephant? Dig a hole, put peanuts around it, fill it with ashes and when the elephant goes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash hole.

  • Jesus Christ!

    in

    [Jesus signed on at 11:29 pm.] Jesus: Hello and welcome to the kingdom of heaven! Bob: Oh wow you mean I can come in? Jesus: All are welcome. Tell me what is the way you died? Bob: Well I was in a coma. Half my family wanted me on life support half didn’t. Jesus: I…

  • Dear Diary,

    in

    Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It’s fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately.” The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: John wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “Serve without dressing.” So…

  • Trip to the Gynecologist

    in

    A woman had an appointment in the morning with her gynecologist and was running late. She hadn’t had the time to give herself a proper washup so she took a washcloth and gave herself a wash in ‘that area’ in front of the sink. She threw the cloth into the wash basket after making sure…

  • You are a Redneck If… #20

    in

    You are a redneck if: you’ve ever had a family feud over a litter of coondogs.