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Jokes

  • You Might be a Redneck If:

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    – Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. – You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored. – You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. – You think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in the front yard. – You’re still scalping tickets after the concert is…

  • Chicken Sandwiches

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    A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken…

  • Mathematician

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    What do Constipated Mathematicians do? Work it out with a pencil.

  • Serving Two Masters

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    A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. “Nothing easier,” Twain replied. “No man can serve two masters.”

  • Cat Commendments

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    Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem. Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem. Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll. Thou shall not sit in front of the television or computer monitor as thou are…

  • Fire Extinguisher

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    Here’s a stupid warning label: If you look at a fire extinguisher, it will say “Non-flamable”

  • Seagulls

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    Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels!

  • You Know You’re From New York City, USA When…

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    You Know You’re From New York City When… 1.) You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. 2.) You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3.) You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park…

  • Karate

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    “Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.” -Dave barry

  • Three Gifts

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    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both…

  • Frog #1

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    Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

  • Top 10 Anoying Things to Do

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    10) Hum or sing when ever possible. 9) Always chew with your mouth open. 8) Pretend to fly around the room. 7) Have fights with your imaginary friends. 6) At school, fall asleep in every class. 5) When people turn around, make faces. 4) Scream every 10 minutes. 3) Tell every one you have a…