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Jokes

  • Ignorance and Apathy

    in

    “What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?” “I don’t know; and I couldn’t care less.”

  • Douglas Adams on Windows95

    in

    Beyond the Hype (Guardian, August 25, 1995) Douglas Adams, author of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, argues Windows 95 does not cross any frontiers. What on Earth is going on? Have we found intelligent life on other planets? Abolished war and famine? Found Elvis? Have we even devised a new and better way of…

  • The Seagull

    in

    A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the daughter asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The little girl thought…

  • The Biter Bit

    in

    “So,” Jane asked the detective she had hired. “Did you trail my husband?” “Yes, ma’am, I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment.” A big smile crossed Jane’s face. “Aha! I’ve got him!” she said gloating, “Is there any doubt what he was doing?” “No ma’am,”…

  • Poland

    in

    What do you call a pretty woman in Poland? A tourist

  • Unsolved Mysteries

    in

    If two black cats walk by each other, then do they both get bad luck? Does the more disgusting foods mean that they are healthier? When you get your first pair of scissors you need a pair of scissors to open the pair of scissors that you just got. So how are you going to…

  • The Chess Player

    in

    Never have lunch with a chess player – I did once; there was a checkered tablecloth, and it took him half an hour to pass me the salt.

  • Do You Realize What I Am?

    in

    A blonde was telling her priest a Polack joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, “Don’t you know I’m Polish?” “Oh, I’m sorry,” the blonde apologizes, “do you want me to start over and talk slower?”

  • Putt, Drag, Putt, Drag, Putt…..

    in

    Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked. “Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” “You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit…

  • Deer and the French

    in

    The musician Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British radio show, and the liberal presenter was giving him a hard time about being a deer hunter. “What do you think is going through that deer’s head when you kill it?” she asks. “Don’t you think it is wondering what it ever did to harm…

  • Quit While You’re…

    in

    A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and…

  • Battle of Wits

    in

    Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to…