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Jokes

  • The Fabric of Our Lives

    in

    A Unitarian Universalist walks into a fabric store and asks the clerk for nine yards of material. The clerk asks, “What are you going to make?” The UU says, “I’m making a nightgown for myself as a present for my husband.” The clerk says, “But nine yards is way too much material for a nightgown.”…

  • Think Before You Speak.

    in

    Yo dadda liked women until he saw yo momma.

  • Rules to Dating A Daughter

    in

    A fathers rules to dating; Rule One – If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up. Rule Two – You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at…

  • Eat It!

    in

    A Chinese family of four was eating fried rice for dinner. As always, the half-blind father was last. Thinking that nojoke will care if he throws his food out, he does so, as he sees an empty garbage can. The next morning his wife says to him: “Honey, while you were eating dinner I took…

  • Success in Marriage

    in

    A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to…

  • Shtetls

    in

    During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian shtetls, one village had a rumour going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, “Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!”

  • Miracle Grow

    in

    One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. “What the…?,” he said to himself as a little blue dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. “April!” he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?” She shot back, “It’s not talcum powder. It’s ‘Miracle…

  • Expensive Persian Rugs

    in

    A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and…

  • My Dad

    in

    Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy,” replied the second. “My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked…

  • religious Truths

    in

    There are 3 religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian Faith Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

  • Why Not?

    in

    A mom was wanting to get her boobs enlarged. Unfortunately for her, she didn’t have enough money to get it done. In fact, she had exactly half the money needed. She was telling her son, Little Benny, “Honey, Mommy really wants to get a boob job. But Mommy has only half the money.” She hung…

  • Last Words IV

    in

    Of a swimmer Saw four sharks, Off the coast. Three he missed, One almost. Tight Rope Walker Used no net, Knew no fear. Made mis-step, Wound up here. Novice farmer Here lies Clyde, Whose life was full. Until he tried, To milk a bull.