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Jokes

  • Whale’s Teeth

    in

    Where do whales go to get their teeth checked? To the orcadontis!

  • Bridge Over Troubled Water

    in

    Marg and Sam invited a couple over for a evening of bridge. “Sam,” Marg said, “this is the last couple that will ever accept an invitation to come to our house. If you dare to do anything to offend them tonight, I will crucify you!” After they played for a while, Marg went into the…

  • Happiest Day

    in

    “Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.” “But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” protested his nephew. “I know,” replied the uncle.

  • I’m A Cheetah!

    in

    Mr. Lwin was staring at the cage in the zoo, watching the great cat pace back and forth. “I wonder what the tiger would say if it could talk,” he said to the zookeeper. The zookeeper replied, “It would probably say, ‘Hey dummy, I’m a cheetah!”

  • Occupation Punchlines

    in

    Here are some favorite sayings from people all over the world. Doctor: Oops. Secretary: I’m pregnant! Travel Agent: I know what you did last summer… Michael Jackson: I didn’t do it! Bill Clinton: I didn’t do it! Oh wait…Yes, I did. Computer Programmer: H0w d0 y0u w0rk th15 “Ch355” g4m3?? 1 N33D H3LP!!!111// Pilot: Are…

  • Skydiving Lawyers

    in

    What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane? Skeet

  • Sex Life

    in

    One day two old men, Bill and Ted, were sitting on a park bench discussing their sex life. Bill states, “At my age, me and the old lady have sex about once a year.” Ted replies, “Oh really! Me and the old lady have sex almost every day.” “No way!” says Bill. “You’re joking, right?”…

  • Secret Tonic

    in

    A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. “This looks great,” said the young doctor. “I just can’t figure…

  • An Hour Late

    in

    For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot; he had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out…

  • Watermelon Man

    in

    There was a farmer who grew watermelons, and every week he would check on his crop, and would find that the local kids had got into his field and eaten as many watermelons as they could. This went on for some time, and eventually the man got fed up replacing the missing watermelons. After some…

  • Shapin’ Up

    in

    An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, “Where are you going?” The elderly man replied, “To the doctor’s.” Surprised, his wife asked “Why, are you sick?” “No,” he said, “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.” With that, his equally…

  • What Should They Get

    in

    Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?” After a very…