Jokes

  • Fully Recovered.

    Not to worry: the man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

  • Who Wears The Pants?

    A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. “Put these on,” he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. “There’s no way I can wear these – they’re way too big,” she said. “Good! Now you know who wears…

  • Thats a Compromise!

    Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.

  • I Didn’t

    Two criminals are talking in a jail cell. “What are you in for?” “Something I did NOT do!” “Sooo… you’re innocent? What did you not do?” “I DIDN’T run fast enough!”

  • Vacationing Wife and Mistress

    A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other’s behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the…

  • Haircuts

    Haircuts – The difference between men and women. Women’s version: Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair…

  • The Short Order

    A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. “Give me a corned beef sandwich,” he ordered. “Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special.” “What’s a Midnight Special?” “A triple decker with…

  • Jews in the Desert

    Why did the Jews walk around the desert for 40 years? They heard that someone dropped a quarter

  • Sweet Violets

    There once was a farmer who took a young miss Out back of the barn where he gave her a … Lecture on horses and cattle and eggs And told she had the most wonderful … Manners that suited a girl of her charms A girl that he wanted to take in his … Washing…

  • Kids Say the Darndest Things…

    Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples: – The future of “I give” is “I take.” – The parts of speech are lungs and air. – The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. – A census…

  • Smart Blond?

    What do you call a smart blond? An Endangered species

  • Shower

    Yo momma so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet!