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Jokes

  • What You Don’t Want to Hear on an Aeroplane

    in

    “Now, as we don’t have enough parachutes for all of us…” “Of course that’s not a mountain in front…isn’t it?” “That’s not meant to happen!” “What dy’a mean were not meant to be going to Iraq?” Things you don’t want to see on an aeroplane: Fire engines and ambulances surounding the runway when you come…

  • The Exam

    in

    I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave…

  • Do you know who I am?

    in

    It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that…

  • New Words

    in

    Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone…

  • Unavoidable Laws of Life…

    in

    When one wishes to unlock a door but only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law) A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny) When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to…

  • Camping Trip

    in

    Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was…

  • Careful What You Wish For!

    in

    Two bulls are in a locker room when one guy notices the other dude has a cork in his ass. He says, “How’d you get a cork in your ass?” The other bull says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a…

  • Knee Light Light

    in

    Can You Decipher This Phrase? knee light light Neon lights!

  • What’s Upset Him?

    in

    Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. “Who is that man?” a passenger asked the ship’s captain. “Why is he so upset?” “I have no idea,” the Captain replied, “but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy.”

  • Love…

    in

    Yo mama’s so fat, she fell in love and broke it.

  • Cartoons

    in

    How many cartoon characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? nine – three to find a light bulb, three to figure out how to remove the old one, three to screw it in, and all of them to complicate it!

  • Accountant’s Success Story

    in

    Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, “What is three times seven?” “22,” Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked the problem on his calculator (he KNEW he should have taken it…