animal

Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you? A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans- 1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime. 2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come…

It’s so easy, it makes pie look hard.

Why did the duck cross the road? Because the chicken was on holiday.

Billymac: “Those there are award winnin’ cows.” BubbaJr.: “What’d they do?” Billymac: “They’re outstandin’ in their field”

Make sure the lawyer YOU hire does not do any of these things: 1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you cocaine. 2. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.” 3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. 4. He picks the jury by…

Q: Why do elephants paint their toes yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in the custard.

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer,…

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that’s placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down…

Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs? To let you know you’ve reached the end of the cat.

You have a million cows. Most of them are illegals.

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog: 1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up. 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like…