animal

Q: What does a fish use to get high? A: Seaweed!

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t…

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here. You don’t. (2) If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you,…

Two Vampire bats are in a cave, both very hungry. The first bat goes out looking for some food. He comes back later with nothing. The second bat tries not long afterwords. 5 minutes later he returns, blood all over his face! “Wow!” said the first bat “You must’ve had a big meal, where did…

Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you? A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans- 1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime. 2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come…

It’s so easy, it makes pie look hard.

Why did the duck cross the road? Because the chicken was on holiday.

Billymac: “Those there are award winnin’ cows.” BubbaJr.: “What’d they do?” Billymac: “They’re outstandin’ in their field”

Make sure the lawyer YOU hire does not do any of these things: 1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you cocaine. 2. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.” 3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. 4. He picks the jury by…

Q: Why do elephants paint their toes yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in the custard.

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer,…