animal

A man goes into a pet shop looking for an exotic pet. The owner tells the man, “we have iguanas…”. The Man says, “No, I am looking for something really different. Everyone has iguanas, snakes, fish, and spiders!” The owner of the shop then tells the man that he has a talking centipede. The man…

My brother, Julian, is a little simple. I recently asked him to buy me some ribbon for my daughter’s pretty pink bonnet. He went to the haberdashery shop for the required length but accidentally interchanged the feet and inches. When I measured the resulting ribbon I only had 30% of the length I required. How…

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. Dogs shed, cats shred. No one appreciates the very special genius…

A man was driving up the interstate late one night when he was amazed to see a weird creature overtake him at a great speed. He accelerated in an attempt to catch up with it, but the creature was far too quick for him and he dimly saw it run off the highway on an…

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: SSCCRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH…thump. We shall never know…

How do you confuse a frog? Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner. How does a frog confuse you? When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better!

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I…

Sir Lancelot was losing patience with Lady Guinevere. He had fought battles; he had jeopardized his reputation; he had ruined his friendship with King Arthur. But it was all worthwhile just to have this time with his lovely lady. They had run away for a little while, but Lancelot was growing angry because Guinevere was…

A dog goes up to a man with a pizza and starts whining for some. Man to Owner: Can I throw him a bit? Owner smiles proudly: Yes. The man picks up the dog and throws him on the ground.

“Look at the speed of that plane!” said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. “Hmph!” snorted the other, “You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!”

A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger’s home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen – running…

What is black and red? An ape going down a hill!