animal

What is black & white an red all over? A penguin holding its breath!

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch…or is it going to be the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray,…

Two guys decided to go buy two pigs. So after they bought them they wanted to know which one was who’s. So they went to the barn but when they got there the two pigs were fighting. After they broke them up one pig was missing a ear. So one guy said, “What are we…

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens weren’t invented yet.

How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot!

Earth Worm: Oh, I wish that darn evil Mister barney hadn’t chopped my brother into two sections! Other Earth Worm: Why? Earth Worm: Because, now I have two half brothers!

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that’s a weird dog; he’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.” 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.…

Once, my parents were driving, and they wanted a cup of tea, so they drove to a cafe. When they ordered, a horse walked in and sat at the table across from them. The horse then ordered a cup of coffe. My parents thought it was a bit strange, so they asked the waitress if…

This is how Army policy all begins… Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the…

Q.What did one sheep call the other sheep who stole his food? A. a ba-a-astard

Here are some excuses… 1. My kids are locked outside. 2. My kids are locked inside. 3. My kids are stuck in the door. 4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies. 5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies – she’s much better. Now and she wants to send…

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A headbanger.