animal

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females.…

You are a big animal that is big.

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close…

An old guy was wandering around a supermarket calling out – “Crisco? Crisco? C-R-I-S-C-O!” Finally, a clerk approached him and said, “Sir, the Crisco in on aisle seven.” “Oh,” the old guy said, “I’m not looking for Crisco. I’m calling my wife.” “Your wife’s name is Crisco?” the puzzled clerk asked. “Hell, no,” the old…

You mom’s soooo stupid, she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!

This is the epitaph on the gravestone of an army mule: Here lies Maggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred eighty-six privates, and one bomb.

A bear, a lion and a chicken were having a discussion as to which one of them scares humans the most. “I only have to growl,” said the bear, “and people start to get a bit nervous.” The lion said, “I just have to roar and people run away.” “That’s nothing,” replied the chicken. “I…

Photographing a new puppy isn’t as easy as it may first sound… Remove film from box and load camera. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. Choose a suitable background for photo. Mount camera on tripod and focus. Find puppy and take…

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. “It’s not for sale,” said the proprietor. “Look,” said…

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

One time I was walking and I saw a deer then a turkey comes out and the turkey and deer interact by speaking in human words then all of a sudden a really bright light formed and the deer and turkey have fused to make a durkey a dear and turkey combined it has a…

My dog Minton has eaten my shuttle cock. Bad Minton!