bar

A regular at Bob’s bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. “Whoa, Sam!” said the bartender. “Who gave those beauties to you?” “Nojoke gave them to me,” said Sam. “I had to fight like crazy for both of them.”

Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. I’m sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. Well, bring me the winner then.

A bear goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, “Sorry we dont serve bears here.” The bear, upset, says angrily, “Gimme a beer or I’ll eat that lady over there!” The bartender says, “Go ahead, I don’t care.” The bear goes and savagely mauls the woman then eats her in front…

A really really drunk man stumbled out of a local bar and right into the nun. Quickly the man punched the nun right in the face. Stunned the nun tried to run away, but the drunk just ran after her and pushed her to the ground. The drunk then proceeded to kick the nun repeatedly…

A drunk is in the bar and crying uncontrollably. The man beside him asks him what’s wrong. The drunk says, “I forgot what my wife told me, she said if I went out drinking again she’d divorce me and take the kids.” The man says, “Well don’t go home yet. It’s only 6 p.m. Walk…

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He’s slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn’t believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised…

Three senators were sitting at the bar and having drinks with each other. The democrat started a conversation of were they liked their wives to be positioned during sex, the democrat said that he likes his wife on top, so he can see all of her. The republican said, “No no no I like my…

Justification for beer and ice cream! But stay away from the pizza! As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise…

Guest: “A cup of coffee, please!” Waiter: “Turkish or filtered?” Guest: “Why, filtered, of course.” Waiter: “Then you’ll have to bring your own filter paper for now.”

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender…

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi stops and says “I think I’m in the wrong joke.”

Four friends are at a bar one night when they spy a gorgeous woman sitting down at a table. They know they can’t all have her so they decide to take turns trying to get the girl. The first friend walks up to the woman and says “Is it hot in here or is it…