bar

A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all drinking in a bar. Suddenly, the South African downs the remainder of his drink, tosses his glass in the air, draws his pistol and shoots the glass. “In South Africa our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink from the same ones…

A drunk is out drinking and he gets really wasted. He looks at the time and it’s 3 a.m. He screams and heads home before his wife screams at him. He tries to walk but he can’t. His legs won’t work. Figuring he’s too drunk to walk home he crawls. It was long and hard…

The secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 – Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 – When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth

A guy walks into a bar right at the top of the Grand Canyon. Another patron comes up to him and says “did you know the air currents in the canyon are so strong you can jump off and they pull you right back up?” “What?!” the man said “you must be drunk.” “No really,…

1. You’ve named that purple elephant that follows you everywhere. 2. Vision Imparment goggles don’t change anything. 3. You earn $30 by counting your money again. 4. You use your beer belly as a coffee table. 5. You fly home every night. 6. Your wife keeps telling you not to light the house on fire…

Two guys are out walking their dogs one day and decide to stop at a bar to get a drink. When they get there, however, there’s a sign on the door that says, “No Pets Allowed.” The guys are about to go home when one of them gets an idea. He tells his friend to…

A drunk man stumbles into the bar to the only other customer and asks if the man would buy him a drink. The second man says yes. They have a drink, and the first man decides to fill the quiet gap. He asks, “So where you from?” The second man replies, “Ireland.” The first man…

Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him, “You can’t come in here, you’re bard!”

A midget walks into a bar and trips over some sh*t left on the floor. Luckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment, he doesn’t make a fuss about it. So he goes to bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the…

I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago. A camel can go eight days without a drink – but who the hell wants to be a camel.

A man walks up to a bartender one night and asked for a beer. “Certainly, sir. That’d be one cent.” The guy was surprised at the incredible price. The guy, unable to believe such prices, looked up the menu and ordered a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg. “Certainly, sir.…

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him the price is $3. The man pulls out a $20 bill and hands it to the bartender. The bartender replies, “Sorry I can’t accept that.” The man then pulls out a $10 bill and hands it to the bartender. The bartender…