bar

A man walks into a bar and says, “bartender, give me two shots.” bartender says, “You want them both now or one at a time?” The guy says,” Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his…

A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar. “I’m tired and thirsty,” says the Frenchman. “I must have wine.” “I’m tired and thirsty,” says the German. “I must have beer.” “I’m tired and thirsty,” says the Jew. “I must have diabetes.”

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Newfie walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the foam. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him…

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for sometime at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” “Why you worthless, insufferable,…

There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your…

A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he…

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, “Mister, can you spare a dollar?” The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?” “No”, says the…

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a drink?”. The bartender replies, “For you, no charge”.

There are two fat guys in a bar, one of the guys, puts his empty glass on the bar and says, “your round”, the other guy says, “so are you, you fat basted!”

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager, please.” The next one says, “and I’ll have half of what he’s having.” The bartender says, “You’re all idiots,” and pulls two pints.

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off, he asked her name. “Carmen,” she replied. “That’s a nice name,” he said warming up the conversation. “Who named you, your mother?” “No, I named myself,” she answered. “Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”…

A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, “Why’d you bring the pig in the bar?” The woman answered, “I do believe this is a goose!” The bartender says, “I was talking to the goose!”