bar

Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today. Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have? Customer: A clean menu!

Joe walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. “Can I help you, fella?” asks the cop. “Yes! Somejoke stole my car!” Joe replies. The cop asks, “Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?” “It…

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, “Going to a party?” ‘Yeah,’ the man answered, ‘I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.’ ‘But you look like Abe Lincoln.’ protested the…

A man walks into a bar and has a drink. Then he hears a tiny voice say, “You are so handsome.” He looks to see who said that but finds no one. So he drinks again. Then he hears a tiny voice say, “You are so smart and kind.” He looks around again and doesn’t…

A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife. “What’s the big idea of coming home half drunk?” she yells. “I’m sorry, honey, but I ran out of money,” he mutters.

A man goes into a bar. He sits down and starts staring at a young punk with spiked red hair, multicolored clothes, and an earring. The punk gets mad turns around and says, “Hey old man, what are you looking at?” The old man says, “Nothing, it’s just that when I was in the army,…

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender asks the first one, “What can I getcha?” The first vampire replies, “I’ll have a pint of blood”. The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too orders a pint of blood. The bartender turns to the third vampire and asks, “What about you?” The third…

A proud elderly gentleman was in the hospital for a series of tests because his bodily functions were extremely disrupted. During the night he made several trips to the bathroom because he thought he had to go to the bathroom. After failing to go several times he finally decided to just ignore it. When he…

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the…

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The parish priest ran into him one day totally inebriated, attempting to stumble home, and gave him a strong lecture against drinking. The good father was able to convince Paddy that, “If you continue drinking as you do, you’ll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you’ll turn into a…

So, this guy, Bill is sitting in a bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe, says ‘That’s amazing. Where did you get him?’ Bill answers ‘well,…

A man was at a bar about to drink his drink. Then, a tough looking biker came and just drank the first man’s drink. The first man said “Why did you do that? I have been having a horrible day. First, I wake up, am late for work, and get fired. Then, I come home…