children

When my oldest child was about three years old, we took a trip to a local fast food restaurant. I wearing my new favorite article of clothing: a pair of bright pink, elastic waist pants that I’d bought the day before. Although they were a little big on me, I instantly fell I love with…

A dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I’m out. The son: And if he doesn’t call?

The class homework was to write about something unusual that had happened in the previous month. Little Johnny stood up to read his: “Daddy fell in the well last week,” he began. “Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Johnson, the teacher. “Is he all right now?” “He must be,” said Timmy. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

Little Johnny’s mother took her 6-year-old son with her to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, “Hey, Mom, she’s really fat.” The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother…

Two kids were bragging about the toys they owned. One of them said, “This is Action Man! He’s been in Viet Nam, Operation Desert Storm, Iraq – and the vacuum cleaner twice!”

A father asked his son: “Why do you take the medicine before it’s time? ” The son answered:” To surprise the germs! “

Teacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand? Lisa: Fingers

Dad: Courtney, do you want penne pasta for dinner? Courtney: No, but I’ll have dime or quarter pasta.

I wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon… you see, because you take the “G” from Gary and the “oone” from Boone to get Goon! But, you know, that’s not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend,…

One day a boy said to his mom, “I’m a Picses, what are you?” The the mom answered, “Cancer.” The boy then asked in a shocked state, “You killed Grandma?”

Covina, Calif: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, “I led the pigeons to the flag.” Cleveland, Ohio: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know – “I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the Republic for Richard Stands.”

At a friend’s wedding, everything went smoothly, until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward, why he behaved so badly, he explained, “I was just trying to be a good ring bear.”