children

My little sister recently asked me: “Why does the conductor of the band always wave his magic wand, but the players never disappear?”

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I…

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway, and after a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand. “How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.…

Little Susie was mother’s little helper and always set the table when company was coming for dinner. The table was set, the visitors had arrived and everyone sat down at the table when Mother noticed that something was missing. “Susie, you didn’t put a knife and fork out for Mr. Grover,” mother said. “I didn’t…

Billy’s teacher sent a note home to Mom saying, “Billy is a very bright boy, but spends much too much time thinking about girls and sex.” The next day Mom sent a note back to the teacher saying, “If you happen to find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Dad.”

A mom, Bri, and a son, Jorge, were eating dinner at the dinner table. Jorge pushes his plate away and says, “I’m done.” Bri glances at Jorge’s plate and notices he still has a pile of peas on it, “No you don’t. Not untill you eat all of your food.” “I don’t like peas.” “They…

A young child walks into a corner store and picks up a big box of laundry detergent. The storekeep trying to be friendly says, “Got a lot of laundry to do?” The boy says, “Haha no. I’m actually going to go wash my dog with it.” The storekeep says, “Son, that stuff is very powerful.…

The priest was instructing a class of third- graders at All Saints grammar school. “There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell. “But the other…

The teacher asks his students to spell the word “before”. The first kid tries: “B-E-F-O-H-R.” “No”, says the teacher, “that’s wrong!” Another kid: “B-E-E-F-O-R.” “No, no,” says the teacher. “Anyjoke else?” A little boy raises his hand: “B-E-F-O-R-E!” “Now, that’s right!” beams the teacher. “Now, Washington, use this word ‘before’ in a sentence!” and the…

I don’t get why we teach little kids the popular saying “Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.” And we wonder what is with all the violence? I mean come on that’s like 100% emo.

Three boys are walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is just looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out, “I am the ghost of Auntie Mabel and this five dollars stays on the table!” The second boy goes…

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. “Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and…