insults

Did you fall out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down?

You’re like a Wendy’s. The drive through is open till 1am or later.

You’re so dumb you invented water proof tea bags!

How do you keep a black man from jumping on your bed? -Put velcro on the ceiling. Why don’t black people dream anymore? -Because the last one that did got shot. How do you keep five black men from raping a white woman? -Give them a basketball. What do you call black ladies’ abortions? -Crimestoppers…

Your mouth is so big you could swallow a whole banana… …sideways

You are not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible.

Good insult: Your mom goes to college! Good comeback: How do you know? Stalker!

Your so stupid you invented glow in the dark sun glasses!

You’re so ugly instead of taking you to the doctor your mom took you to the vet.

1st man: My son was born on Saint David’s day, so I called him David. 2nd man: My son was born on Saint Patrick’s day, so I called him Patrick. 3rd man: Well, my son was born on Shrove Tuesday, so I called him Pancakes.

My girl told me she was trying to lose weight, so I said, “Do whatever makes you happy inside. Just keep in mind that your weight’s just a number. There’s no number in the world to measure how beautiful you are . . . unless you include negative numbers.”

What’s faster than a speeding bullet? A jew with a coupon.