insults

“I never forget a face. However, in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” -Groucho Marx

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers “241.” “That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!” Next Albert introduces…

I don’t need to write a joke! Whenever I see your face I start to laugh anyway!!

Your face is so oily, we’re going to war over it.

This above a uranal. What are you looking at? The real joke is in your hands!

You’re so ugly that when it’s Christmas, instead of giving you toys, Santa gives you plastic bags to cover your face.

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 – LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees’ nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated…

What do you call a black woman with braces? A Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker. Hear about the new deodorant called “Umpire”? It’s for foul balls. How do you circumcise a whale? Fore-skin divers. What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Italian? A guy who makes you an offer you can’t…

Why wasn’t Jesus born in Japan? He couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin there.

Tommy was dying. His wife was with him, standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped, “Helen, I have one last request.” “Of course, Tommy, what is it?” Helen asked softly. “Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Louis.” “But I thought you…

Jack and Joe are in a diner where there’s a computer who gives advice to the people in the diner. Jack starts talking about how the two are going to graduate from high school when a young boy walks in. He explains his problem to the computer, which gladly offers him advice. The boy walks…

How do you know you have a queer Jew? He likes money more than girls.