insults

Tommy was dying. His wife was with him, standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped, “Helen, I have one last request.” “Of course, Tommy, what is it?” Helen asked softly. “Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Louis.” “But I thought you…

Jack and Joe are in a diner where there’s a computer who gives advice to the people in the diner. Jack starts talking about how the two are going to graduate from high school when a young boy walks in. He explains his problem to the computer, which gladly offers him advice. The boy walks…

How do you know you have a queer Jew? He likes money more than girls.

You’re so broke, your bologna doesn’t have a first name.

A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a countess a cow. When the trial ended and the man paid his fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn’t call a countess a cow, could he call a cow a countess? The judge said it was all right to…

If I wanted to think of a better come back, I’d dig it out of your @$$!

Message from www.dating.com: Your dating ad has been on the net for 8 weeks without any answer! Do you rather want us to try one week without a picture?

You’re so ugly… that when your mom dropped you off on the curb for school, she got fined for littering.

You’re so stupid that when you send a FAX you put a stamp on it

Hey! Is that your head or did your neck blow a bubble?!

You’re so old your social security number is 1!

Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite (see also) a. Brother-in-law b. lawyer c. politician