lawyer

What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane? Skeet

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $50 between us.” The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers….…

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? Gucci sweats and Reeboks. And where was the location of the accident? Approximately milepost 498. And where is milepost 498? Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Did you blow your horn or anything? After the accident? Before the accident. Sure, I played for ten…

I’ve often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who’s been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I’ve stopped that practice. I gradually realised that the lawyers in the audience didn’t think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn’t know they were jokes.

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, “So, how’s…

Pythagorean Theorem – 24 words. Lord’s Prayer – 66 words. Archimedes’ Principle – 67 words. 10 Commandments – 179 words. Gettysburg Address – 286 words. Declaration of Independence – 1,300 words. US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage – 26,911 words.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his rear.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer…

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?” Having already had a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, ‘Listen! I’ll…

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to…

Entitled To One Phone Call Two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, enjoying a joint on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer, unable to reach their parents, gave them each one phone call. A half hour later, a man entered…

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true. “I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed. The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days in jail.”