lawyer

“Can I help you?” the madam asked “I want Natalie,” the elderly man replied. “Sir, Natalie is our most expensive lady, perhaps someone else…” “No,” said the man, “I must see Natalie.” Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $10,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his…

What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.

Why do lawyers always wear a tie? To keep back the foreskin.

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to…

Arizona • A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. • Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back in the days of the Wild West). • Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. • Donkeys cannot…

Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, “How do you plead?” “Guilty.” “That’ll be fifty dollars and a…

Q: What’s the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer? A: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.

A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial, he asked the Judge, “Does this mean that I can’t call Miss Stuart a pig?” The Judge said that was accurate. “Does this also mean that I…

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.” “That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a…

A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful. “For example,” the judge said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket, then I remembered that I…

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that…