lawyer

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have three possible donors. The first is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The third is…

“Can I help you?” the madam asked “I want Natalie,” the elderly man replied. “Sir, Natalie is our most expensive lady, perhaps someone else…” “No,” said the man, “I must see Natalie.” Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $10,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his…

What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.

Why do lawyers always wear a tie? To keep back the foreskin.

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to…

Arizona • A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. • Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back in the days of the Wild West). • Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. • Donkeys cannot…

Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, “How do you plead?” “Guilty.” “That’ll be fifty dollars and a…

Q: What’s the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer? A: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.

A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial, he asked the Judge, “Does this mean that I can’t call Miss Stuart a pig?” The Judge said that was accurate. “Does this also mean that I…