lawyer

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys…

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses…

A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge. “Your Honor,” his lawyer said, “I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What’s more, he is only able to speak a few…

You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.

The relatives of the family’s rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long-awaited death. “Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”

A lawyer had just rented a cabin up north and was planning to do some hunting. So he goes up and finds that he has a neighbor. The neighbor is from Czechoslovakia. They decide to go hunting together and become good friends. While they camped out during the night 2 bears, a male and a…

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ? A: The bucket.

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, “Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?” The judge’s face went red and he roared, “It…

A man finds a wallet with $700 in it. A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $50 reward to anyone who returns it. He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and…

Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. “We’ve started something new,” said the first scientist. “For some of our more dangerous experiments, we’re now using lawyers.” “Lawyers?” questioned her colleague. “But we’ve always used rats.” “Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats.”

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you…

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail, but his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” The lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t…