medical

I went to the neurologist yesterday, to find out if I still needed to take my medication, right? Well, he goes off on a random tangent about Hershey Park and I’m like, what the heck, I thought this was about me, not a theme park. And so, somehow, he decides that I need to take…

A doctor goes into a sanitarium one day to check up on the patients. He sees they are all lined up with bathing suits on, jumping into the air and landing hard on the floor. He asks them what they are doing, and they all answer “We’re diving into the pool”. Only one of them…

1.Doctor, Doctor! My son swallowed a pen, what should I do? Use a pencil instead! 2.Doctor, Doctor! I think I’m getting shorter! You’ll just have to be a little patient. 3.Doctor, Doctor! I’m invisible! I’m sorry, sir, I can’t see you right now.

Jack tells his shrink, “Last night I dreamed you were my mother.” “How did you feel about it after you woke up?” asks the psychiatrist. “I overslept,” answers Jack. “Then I remembered I had an appointment with you, so I grabbed a Coke and some cookies for breakfast and came right over. I didn’t really…

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I know a person who is an owl. Doctor: Who? Patient: Now I know two. Doctor: “Did you take the patient’s temperature?” Nurse: “No. Is it missing?”

A girl went to a dentist to have her teeth filled. The dentist asked, “What kind of fillings do you want? White or silver?” The girl replied, “Chocolate fillings.”

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. (Courtesy of Richard Lederer, Ph.D.”Fractured English.”) – By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. – Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. – The patient…

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man, and from time to time the young nurse would come in and say in a patronising tone, “And how are we doing this morning?” Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and had taken the juice off the tray, putting it…

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” “There’s something wrong with my penis,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”…

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. “Art, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.” “Yes, sir!” answers Art. The doctor goes hunting and…

Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down…

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display. “I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death. When I told him they would,…