medical

Things You Don’t Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness “Let me ask your opinion, nurse…” “Has anyone ever seen one of THESE?” “What do you mean, “It’s upside down”?” “This is what happens when cousins marry.” “You think we can sew it back on?” “Is that SUPPOSED to be yellow?” “What does the AMA know;…

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”…

A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. “This looks great,” said the young doctor. “I just can’t figure…

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign reading: “Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: “Hysterias and Posteriors.” This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council,…

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the…

Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts, so one day she went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith. Dr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following: “SCOOBIE,DOOBIE,LOOBIE, I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES”. One day she was running late, and decided to do her exercises on the bus when a guy…

1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. 2. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.” 3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! 4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? 5. Hand me that…uh…that uh…that thingy there. 6. Oh no! Where’s my Rolex? 7. Oops!…

A woman goes into a doctor’s office complaining that she has constant pains in her stomach. The doctor brings her into the examining room and asks, “Well, Ma’am, are you constipated?” The woman replies, “No, I am not. I go to the bathroom every morning at 8:15, just like clockwork.” The doctor asks, “Every day,…

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. “Ever have an accident?” “Nope, nary a one.” “None? You’ve never had any accidents.” “Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.” “Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t…

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. “I operated on Mr. Lee the other day,” said the surgeon. “What for?” asked his colleague. “About $17,000.” “What did he have?” “Oh… About $17,000.”

Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company. The…

If it is dry – moisten. If it is moist – dry. Congratulations, you are now a dermatologist. ==================================================== What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.