medical

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. “There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.” Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. “Now…

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic…

Things You Don’t Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness. “OK, make a wish and pull.” “Back in a minute. Gotta put money in the meter.” “What he doesn’t know, won’t hurt us.” “Tilt that TV a bit. I can’t see the game.” “That PROVES aliens have taken over our bodies.” “Someone call the janitor –…

A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results. Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill. Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the…

Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me!” “Why not?” he asks. She answers back, “Because I’m dead.” The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to…

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other

What did one virus say to the other virus? Keep away from me, I think I’ve got penicillin!

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve…

“Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!” “I’ll deal with you later!”

A woman wasn’t feeling well, so she asked a co-worker if she could recommend a doctor. “I know a very good doctor, but he is quite expensive. He charges $350 for the first visit, and $150 for each subsequent visit, but he really is quite good,” replied the co-worker. The woman went to the doctor’s…

There’s this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, “Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom.” The doctor says, “It’s ok, I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”