medical

A man hadn’t been feeling well, so he went to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor came out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor said, “you’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” said the man. “How long have I got?”…

A man goes into his doctor’s office to learn the results of some tests and immediately the doctor greets him by saying “Well Sam, I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?” Sam decides on the bad news first and his doctor tells him “Sam, I’m very sorry but…

A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg. Doctor: “I have good news and bad news.” Patient: “What’s the bad news?” Doctor: “The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg.” Patient: “That’s terrible! What’s the good news?” Doctor: “We think the other leg is going to make it alright.”

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need Sam’s help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly…

What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change? An adadictomy (add-a-dick-to-me)

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, “Why didn’t you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?” The lady said, “My…

A woman walks in to the hospital to visit her husband. She talks to the doctor, and the doctor says,”I have bad news, and worse news.” The woman starts to cry, asking for the bad news first. The doctor replies,”The bad news is that your husband only has 24 hours to live.” The woman starts…

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” “What’s the problem?” the docotor inquired. “Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”…

A patient was waiting for some results from his doctor. When the doctor arrives he says, “I have some good news and some bad news which do you want first.” The patient says, “Give me the bad news first!” Doctor replies, “You’ve got AIDS.” “Oh, no! What could be worse than that?” asks the patient.…

“Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you’re carrying around?” the doctor asked. “I don’t understand it, Doc,” Jonathan replied, “I just can’t seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid.” “Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal,” replied the doctor. “It’s your fork that’s…

Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair! Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?

Doctor: “Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work.” Patient: “But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!”