medical

A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions. “Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?” “Of course! Why would you think you couldn’t?” “I couldn’t play it before.”

Guy goes to see his doctor – “Doctor, please help me, I’ve got kleptomania bad!” “OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they’ve not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?”

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn’t take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the…

Not sure if this is up yet but I haven’t seen it so here it goes . . . A 30-year-old man suffers from massive MASSIVE headaches that dominate his life completely and cause him pain almost every single moment of every day. He’s been going through this pain since he was around 20 and…

10. If it’s wet make it dry. 9. If it’s dry make it wet. 8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime. 7. Never tell management what you are really thinking. 6. Never finish report with, “You have an easy assignment”. 5. Never say. “This looks like a easy assignment”. 4. Don’t expect…

Love is in the Air An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah ze young love …ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers,…

Did You Know …. Did you know that in the human joke there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don’t believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if…

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor’s office to collect her husband’s test results. The lab tech says to her, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband’s samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we…

A doctor who works at the mental hospital wants to take his patients out to a baseball game seeing as they’re so well behaved. He goes to his colleagues and asks them if it’s ok. They don’t want to let him take them in case they misbehave or do something wrong seeing as they’re complete…

“OK,” said the psychiatrist, “let’s try some tests. I’ll draw something, and you say what it reminds you of.” He draws a house, and the patient says, “Sex.” He draws a square, and the patient says, “Sex.” He draws a circle, and the patient says, “Sex.” He draws a trangle, and the patient says, “Sex.”…

Patient: “Doctor, you gotta help me. I’m under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.” Doctor: “Tell me about your problem.” Patient: “I just did, you moron!”

Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick? A. To the He-He-Mergency room!