medical

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn’t all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want…

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor queries. “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A…

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while…

“I’m having trouble with this new hearing aid,” said the man to his audiologist. “Really? Can you describe the symptoms?” “Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair…”

The long term implications of drug research and medical procedures must be fully considered. Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer’s Disease research. Medical researchers believe that by the year 2030 there will be a significant number of people wandering around…

Q – Why do women have nipples? A – Because, if they didn’t, boobs would be pointless

A man walked into the doctor’s surgery and said, “Doctor, every time I break wind it sounds like a motor bike.” “That’s very interesting; is there anything else bothering you?” asked the doctor. “I also have a large boil on my backside,” said the man. “Right,” said the doctor, “I will lance your boil and…

“You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition,” the doctor told his patient. “We’re going to put you in an isolation unit, where you’ll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza.” “Will pancakes and pizza cure my condition?” “No,” replied the doctor. “They’re the only things we can slip under the door.”

A Japanese doctor says, “Medicine in our country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.” A German doctor says, “That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another,…

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: “This is all in your mind,” and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits, the shrink…