menwomen

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in ‘Deliverance.’ 9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don’t want to do my dad. 8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.…

A young couple decide to have sex for the first time so they go to the store to buy condoms. They find a popular brand and bring it to the register. The price on the box is $1.00 but when the cashier totals up the price it comes to $1.07. The couple asks what the…

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell the wife?” They draw straws. Goldberg…

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. “Was it my friend Sam?” he demanded. “No!” his weeping wife replied. “Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked. “NO!” she said…

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. “The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing – and stay home at night!” An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if…

At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. The winners were then asked, “What advice do you have for the newlyweds?” The wife quickly responded, “The three most important words in a marriage are ‘You’re probably right’.” Everyone then looked at the husband. He said, “Yeah, she’s…

Two women friends had gone for a Girls’ Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe…

Friendships between women: A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendships between men: A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told…

Husband walks into his house with a chicken under his arm and says “Honey I want you to meet the pig I’ve been fucking.” Wife looks at him and says “dear, that’s a chicken not a pig!” Husband says “Shut up bitch I wasn’t talking to you!”

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom, on the edge of the bathtub, saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet, and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s…

Don’t you have some laundry to do or something? Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. You’re just upset because your butt is beginning to spread. Wait a minute – I get it. What time of the month is it? Shouldn’t you consult the great Oprah on this one? Sorry. I…

Nojoke will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.