menwomen

LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!” ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?” GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The…

3 married women are sitting around chatting about their married life and eventually the subject of birth control comes up. The 1st woman says, “Well, we use condoms and they seem to work ok; we only have 3 children after 20 years of marriage.” The 2nd woman speaks up. “We use the pill and it…

A gay couple (of guys) and a lesbian couple decide to leave from New York to Miami at the same time. The two couples are neighbors and they plan on driving the same route. so the question is who gets to Miami first? Why the lesbians of course! They go lickety split while the guys…

How women think about sex: At 8, ignore it. At 18, experience it. At 28, look for it. At 38, ask for it. At 48, beg for it. At 58, pay for it. At 68, pray for it. At 78, forget it.

A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing. “Could you give me a description of your husband ma’am?” the officer asked. “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair,…

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, “This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay.” He forgets to switch…

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice…

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller. “Two men are madly in love with me!” Goldie says. “Who will be the lucky one?” The swami answers….”Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one.”

An elderly couple was sitting on their front porch one day when the husband said: “Whenever I get at mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?” “I just go and clean the toilet,” his wife replied. “How does that help?” asked her husband. “I use…

If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady. If a woman became president, what would you call her husband? Whipped.

Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden.” Boy: “That’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.” Girl: “Yes, well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

Men are like… Placemats. They only show up when there’s food on the table. Men are like… Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like… Government Bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like… Lava Lamps. Fun to look at but not so bright. Men are like… Bank…