menwomen

A vertical expression of a horizontal desire.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they…

A man woke up in the morning to see that the whole house was all messy. Clothes were all over the room. Coffee beans were spilled on the kitchen floor. Even the house was teepeed with toilet paper. Back in the living room, a note read: Dear Honey, I have gone shopping for a little…

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman’s head. “Yech!” says the woman. “Get some toilet paper.” “What for?” says the man. “He must be half-a-mile away by now.”

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Dave.” “Who?” “This guy named Dave. He always did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like…

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.…

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.” A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.” The man…

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Why do…

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.” “My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.” “The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me…

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Kentucky arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope y’all don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled…

There was a couple. One day the husband went to work, as usual. All of a sudden a man in a truck appeared at the front door. The husband, frightened, hid behind a tree. The man exchanged a few words with the wife and left. The husband decided to get rid of that man once…

More male phrases explained: “You know how bad my memory is.” Really means… “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.” “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no…