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Murphy said to his daughter, “I want you home by eleven o’clock.” She said, “But Father, I’m no longer a child!” He said, “I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.”

A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! … it was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “Ahhhh … my wife found out …”

“Cleanliness is next to Godliness” Why do they say that? I looked it up in the dictionary, “goggles” is next to “godliness”; cleanliness is next to claustrophobia.

One day, early in the morning, a naked man was lying on a beach reading the newspaper. He saw a little girl skipping towards him. Quickly he covered himself with the newspaper just as the little girl spotted him. She comes by him and says,”Good morning, What’s under the newspaper?” The man replied,”A birdie!” The…

THE MAN’S POINTS SYSTEM For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing…

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you. I used to come…

What Men Want More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified cigars. Public beer fountains. Kitty catapults. All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters. Wet T-shirt Fridays. Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors. Rocket boots. Machine gun camp. NASA space shuttle races. Sledgehammer boxing. Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete…

One night at a bar a guy and a woman happen to meet. The woman confides, “I was recently divorced, I’m embarrassed to say, but it’s because my husband said I was too kinky.” The guy gasps and says, “I am also recently divorced, and my wife complained I was too kinky.” The woman says,…

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn’t see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was…

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: The Trip to the Hospital First child: Every time we felt the slightest B & H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would…

40-ish……………………………….52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic……………… ……………..Watches a lot of NASCAR Average looking………..Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, &back Educated…………………………Will patronize the shit out of you Free Spirit……….. ……………….Banging your sister Friendship first……………….As long as friendship involves nookie Fun……………………………Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking………………………Arrogant Very good looking………………..Dumb as a board Honest………………………………Pathological…

Once there were two farmers; one had a daughter and the other had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farmers encouraged it. One day the girl’s father went over to the other farmer’s house and said that he didn’t want their children dating any more. The boy’s father…