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I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did…

1. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches. 2. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number. 3. If you know how to say Matanuska, Tokositna, Kichatna, Oshetna, Bodenburg and Muktuk. 4. If you think that ketchup is one of the seven main food…

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, “Earthquake!” The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall…

3 sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten. The first one says, “I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick.” The second shark says, “That’s nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Yeltsin last week and the old guy had so…

What does the government have but never uses to make life simple? Their power!

Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world? Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it’s going to be tomorrow!

The principle of socialist economy of the period of transition to communism: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working. Alternately, “So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work.” This joke persisted essentially unchanged through the 1980s.

Two Berlin children spoke to each other over the wall. The little girl in the West says, while eating a banana, “Look – I have a banana.” The boy in the East doesn’t want to be inferior to her in anything and says, full of pride: “We have socialism.” The girl counters: “So, we’ll have…

At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. “O!” – applause. “O!” – more applause. “O!” – yet more applause. “O!” – an ovation. “O!!!” – the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, “Leonid Ilyich, that’s the Olympic rings, you don’t need to read it!”

Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla. just before Christmas. In an attempt to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.

Will there be KGB in communism? As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to arrest themselves.

How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it.