news

Bill Clinton dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St.Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Bill replies, “I am Bill Clinton, and I was president of the United States!” St. Peter says, “Ok, I will take you to meet the Lord.” So they go to meet the Lord, who says…

One day a cop walks in to a barber shop and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, “Im doing free haircuts this week.” The cop thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a box of a dozen donuts on the barber’s desk. A republican walks…

Mrs. Colter was explaining that there were rules for voting in the United States. “You have to be at least eighteen, you have to be a citizen, and-” John blurts out, “And you can’t vote for democrats!”* * All credit for this goes to John Rieger, who wouldn’t shut up during sixth period.

During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny, wishing to file a petition. “We have even started eating the grass like horses,” says one peasant. “Soon we will start neighing like horses!” “Come on! Don’t worry!” says Lenin reassuringly. “We are drinking tea with honey here, and…

The discovery that Bush’s resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we’ve had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.

Lenin died, but his cause lives on!

What a coincidence: “Brezhnev died, but his joke lives on.”

In a bi-partisan move, President Bush has nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General. “I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti,” Bush announced. In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She’s expected to work closely with the new…

What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty? The water bottle hit Justin Bieber first.

Which three great nations in the world begin with “U”? – USA, USSR, and our (German:unsere) GDR (USA, UdSSR, Unsere DDR). (A play on the way official discourse often used the phrase “our GDR”, and also often exaggerated the GDR’s world status.)

A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. “I just heard the funniest joke in the world!” “Well, go ahead, tell me!” says the other judge. “I can’t – I just gave a guy ten years for it!”

This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said: All signs metric – Next 20 miles.