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Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, “Are you ready to order, sir?” Clinton replies, “Yes, I’d like a quickie.” “A quickie?!” the waitress replies with disgust. “Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don’t…

“Leonid Ilyich!…” / “Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me ‘Ilyich’ “.

A man is bitten by a rabid dog he found wandering in his yard. Frantically, he rushes his computer and begins typing something. His neighbor walks in, and mentions to him that he need not worry, there is a cure for rabies. He replies, “I know that; I’m finding where George Bush is right now!”

It was really hot last summer. In fact, it was so hot I saw a republican with his head out of his ass.

The economy is so bad. . . if the bank returns your check marked ”Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them. The economy is so bad. . . a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA? In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, “Down with Reagan!” and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can…

Beaverton, OR- You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm. Portland, OR- People may not whistle underwater.

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly, the train stops. Lenin suggests: “Perhaps we should call a subbotnik, so that workers and peasants fix the problem.” Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, “If the train does not start moving, the driver will be executed!”…

What exactly does the government do? They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite.

What was the most-frequently used word at the German-German border? “Goose meat”. (Gänsefleisch, sounds like the first three words in Genn’ se vleisch mal ‘n Gofferraum offmachn? in the Saxon accent, Können Sie vielleicht mal den Kofferraum aufmachen? in standard German, which means Could you please open the trunk? )

1. Iraqi Head Found With Arms 2. Man Loses Toes in Snow, but Timesheet Submitted 3. Crack found on Governor’s Daughter 4. Miners Refuse To Work After Death 5. Eight Arms Found In Octopus

The Vice President and his best friends were out hunting birds. People in the office knew that the best friend had some dirt on the vice president. When the vice president came back from hunting, the guy that owned the hunting place asked, “Where’s your friend?” The Vice President started to shake and said, “Oh…