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The following is a list of the U.S. deaths in certain places. September 11: 2,752 War on Terror: 4,344 We beat ourselves.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice Fund Set Up for Beating Victim’s Kin Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Autos Killing 110 a Day – Let’s Resolve to Do Better 20-Year Friendship Ends…

On Cows and Government FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.…

-How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin? -Put up a sign saying “collective farm”. Then half the mice will starve and the others will run away.

President Bush looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him. “What is it now?” sighs the president. “It’s this abortion bill,” replies the aide. “What do you want to do about it?” “Go ahead and pay it,” says the president.

The Declarizzle of Independence of tha Thirteen Colonies In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776 The unanimous Declarizzles of tha thirteen united States of America, W-H-to-tha-izzen in tha Course of human events, it becomes necessary fo` one thugz ta Dissolve tha politizzles bands which hizzle connected thizzem wit motherfucka n ta Assume among tha powa of tha…

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked – Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death’s Door – Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled – No Interest Among…

Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: “Well, George Washington couldn’t tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth. And George W. Bush can’t tell the difference.”

New York, NY Police across the nation are warning people who wear pagers to be on the lookout for the latest scam. According to police, pagers in several states have been beeped by a number displaying a 212 area code (New York) and the prefix 540. When the victims return the call, they are charged…

Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket. Bill says: “Let’s do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver.” They each write a name on a piece of paper…

The armies of the opposition have neared Washington, Paris and London. The governments of US, France and London did nothing about it. ‘Sorry! We need to bomb (long list of African and Middle East countries) first.’

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? USA Today: WE’RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE sport Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW…