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The recent hurricane and gasoline issues helped prove existence of a new element. In early October [2005] a major research institution announced discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Government.” Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving…

“You know that the world is going crazy when: the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most…

Q: What is more useful — newspapers or television? A: Newspapers, of course. You cannot wrap herring in a TV.

Leonid Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts: “Dear Comrade Imperialists,” The whole hall perked up – “what did he say?” Brezhnev tried again… “Dear Comrade Imperialists,” Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium – was he…

The following are headlines that *might* have appeared in papers in the aftermath of Little Bighorn – Variety: “Custer Closes Out of Town” Pravda: “Big Red Victory” sport Illustrated: “Indians Win Series” Women’s Wear Daily: “Feathers Make Comeback” Reader’s Digest: “Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff” The Washington Post: “Custer Loses Rural Vote”

Armenian Radio was asked: “Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?” Armenian Radio answers: “It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn’t returned yet; we are told he liked it there.”

In a restaurant: ― Why are the meatballs of cubic shape? ― Perestroika! (restructuring) ― Why are they undercooked? ― Uskoreniye! (acceleration) ― Why are they bitten? ― Gospriyomka (state approval) ― Why are you telling me all this so brazenly? ― Glasnost! (openness)

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, “All politicians are assholes.” A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!” The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?” “No,”…

Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1 for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbery. However, said police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, “Did I pay…

Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clinton’s habit of dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonald’s national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton? Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and it’s got half the meat.

U.S. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife allegedly visited a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the farmer how his farm managed to produce so many fertile eggs with such a small number of roosters. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day. “Perhaps you…

Three men sit in a jail in (KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, and he says, “Because I criticized Karl Radek.” The first man responds, “But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!” They turn to the third man who has been sitting…