oneliners

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. Mental backup in progress – Do not disturb! The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Boycott shampoo! Demand…

Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

What is the definition of wicker box? It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

“It would be funny if, while performing an abortion, someone yelled ‘abort! abort!’”

“Waiter, I’d a cup of coffee, please, no cream.” “I’m sorry, sir, we’re out of cream. Would you have it with no milk?” “Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!” “Well, it was ground this morning!” “Tea or coffee, gentlemen?” asked the waiter. “I’ll have tea,” replied the first customer. “Me too – and be sure…

Overheard in a doctor’s waiting room: “My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour’s bed at the time.”

Why do they call it “drug abuse” when the person “abusing the drugs” then ends up with half of his brain being rendered useless?

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world.

One time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history.

A brunette said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”

I’ll tell ya later.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.