oneliners

And my FAVORITE…… The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.

What kind of soup weighs 1000 pounds? Won ton soup!

I often dream of the day when my car will be able to drive me home after a long hard day of work. That’s about the time the driver next to me abruptly blows his horn telling me to wake up and get back into my own lane.

Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

Q. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? A. Hailing taxicabs!

Some days you are the bug. Some days you are the windshield.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

Throwing acid is wrong – in some people’s eyes

The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn’t and she said great there’s a hammer and nails in the corner.

Foreign Film Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn’t a western.

A woman walked into a bar, and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.