oneliners

She used to have a broad mind and a narrow waist; now it’s the other way round. It was a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers. Psychic wanted – you know why, and where to apply. I don’t think they really wanted me in the marching band – they gave me a…

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn’t doing what I was doing. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said, “pet…

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret around a clock? Because time will tell.

Where do fish keep their life savings? At the river bank!

So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog. Coffee, Chocolate, Men … Some Things Are Just Better Rich. Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen…

When you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws, just catapults.

Every solution breeds new problems.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you’re working with.

Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!

How can you tell the difference between a violin and a fiddle? Look at the audience!