oneliners

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man with face in toilet is shit faced. Man who fools around with neighbour’s wife at wrong time of month get caught red handed. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

“Mom! Deaf kids at school are making fun of me.” “What did they say?”

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker? He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.

Do not try to guess your wife’s size. Just buy her anything marked “petite” and hold on to the receipt.

Ever notice that “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.

Activate your own virus… type “WIN” at the prompt.

Two cows eating grass, On a warm, sunny hillock. By this time tomorrow, That grass will be millock.

Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street? They were assaulted

…you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine. …you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: “Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I ll burn yer tent!” …you’re planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: “Who knows? Maybe some day we go to camping.” …you get thrown…

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.