oneliners

Here’s a stupid warning label: If you look at a fire extinguisher, it will say “Non-flamable”

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels!

“Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.” -Dave barry

10) Hum or sing when ever possible. 9) Always chew with your mouth open. 8) Pretend to fly around the room. 7) Have fights with your imaginary friends. 6) At school, fall asleep in every class. 5) When people turn around, make faces. 4) Scream every 10 minutes. 3) Tell every one you have a…

Borrow money from a pessimist—They don’t expect it back.

Why is it better to be killed by a shark than by a lawyer? Answer: The shark would be brief.

What does a horny ghost say to scare people? BOO…BS!

Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke.

A gay pornstar doesn’t take as many balls to the face as my 4 year old son playing soccer.

I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everyjoke to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. Sam Goldwyn.

I wonder who came up with the company People’s Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?

Why is it hard for dalmatians to play hide-and-seek? Because they’re always spotted!