oneliners

What do you call a black person that wants to be and acts just like Jackie Chan? Blackie Chan

My goal is to find a soulmate. It’s not cheating, just multi-tasking.

Don’t follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

All things are possible – except skiing through a revolving door.

Never buy a toothbrush at a yard sale. Never buy a parachute that was used once and never opened before. Never sell computers for free at your garage sale. Trust me, there are many more ways to demolish your house. Never put bathroom humor up on the internet. Never watch American Idol auditions with Coke…

Things to do at a McDonalds drive thru! 1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside. 2. Drive through backwards. 3. Belch your order. 4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable…

YOU’RE READING IT, YOU DOPE!

Interchangeable parts aren’t.

Battle Where a whole lot of white men kill a few Indians. Massacre Where a whole lot of Indians kill a few white men.

The government has recently issued a statement saying that 18.9 percent of all statistics are false.

What’s the difference between a bird and a fly? Well, a bird can fly . . .

Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.