oneliners

What did the tornado say to the pecan tree? “Hold onto your nuts, this is not your average blow job!” What has four hands and eats aunts? Two uncles. What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? Usually an onion with long ears, but sometime you get a piece of ass…

I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school. I didn’t want to go because I’ve put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then.

Hey! Football team! Get off the band field!

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job ? A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?? V V V V V V V V V V V V V V He loved it, but it scared the heck out of his dog.

What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme!

Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water. One egg says, “Phew, it’s hot in here!” The other egg replies, “Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!”

No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.

Do you think god gets stoned? I do. Look at the platypus! -Robin Williams

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Lead me not into temptation…I can find the way myself. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Miracles are performed every day, the…