oneliners

Q: What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat? A: The Dolly Llama.

I’m so old, I woke up the other morning and thought I had an erection. I was really happy until I realized it was just a leg cramp!

Are you an aspirin? Because I’d like to take you every 4 to 6 hours. There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you’re the only one I’d like to mount and take back to my place. Excuse me, are you hiring? I heard you have an opening you need filled. What has…

I like hippos ’cause they’re fat and don’t care what other hippos think.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious! All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall…

Can you decipher this phrase? A R M S Open arms!

Why has Edward Woodward got 4 d’s in his name? If he hadn’t he would be Ewar Woowar!

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two…

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there’s shipping and handling, too.

What’s the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay.

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her)