oneliners

Sign seen on a maternity-ward door: Push! Push! Push!

live long (die late)

Rabinovich notes: “I would prefer it the other way round.”

I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots. There can’t be any life on Mars. They…

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him. “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I’m a schizophrenic and so am I.

The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone. I replaced the headlights…

Mary had a little lamb! The doctor fainted!

What are the first 4 words in the Mexican National Anthem? “Attention all K-Mart shoppers”

1. A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless you’re a diabetic!!!!! 2. People who live in glass houses should have sex in their basements!!!

You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.