oneliners

Don’t argue with an idiot. He may be doing the same thing.

Why do people say “This is the first day of the rest of your life”? Isn’t that true about everyday unless you die that day?

A flaming elf. (imp-alight)

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

What does a Mexican firefighter name his twin sons? Jose and Josbe

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Q. Why would Snow White be a good judge? A.Because she’s the fairest in the land.

If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless? If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight??? If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts? If love is blind, then why is lingere…

“I’m a little teapot, short and stout.” “I have whooping cough!” “Where did my bandage go?” “I think I’m going to puke.” “I can compare myself to Rachel Ray! NOT!” “If I mess up one more time, I’m turning this blade on you.” “I summon up my Eighth Amendment Right!” “I wanted to be an…

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Q: What do you have when there are 100 rabbits standing in a row and they all start hopping backwards? A: Receding hare line.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk and newspaper, that’s the time to do it.