oneliners

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

Be content with what you’ve got, but be sure you’ve got plenty of it.

Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using? Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why do they sell a…

Where did they sign the Declaration of Independence? At the bottom.

Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma’s an open bar.

Don’t steal. The government hates competition.

Only in America can a President have relations in the oral office

Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”

Q. How do you keep an idiot busy? A. Tell him that the ground is going to fall on him if he doesn’t get off it.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

Why should you have only one egg for breakfast? Because un oeuf is enough!