oneliners

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker? He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.

Do not try to guess your wife’s size. Just buy her anything marked “petite” and hold on to the receipt.

Ever notice that “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.

Activate your own virus… type “WIN” at the prompt.

Two cows eating grass, On a warm, sunny hillock. By this time tomorrow, That grass will be millock.

Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street? They were assaulted

…you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine. …you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: “Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I ll burn yer tent!” …you’re planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: “Who knows? Maybe some day we go to camping.” …you get thrown…

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

What’s the difference between a leg and an egg? You can beat an egg up, but you can’t beat a leg up!

Dreams are like underpants. You’ve got ’em, but you can’t prove you do by showing it to everyone.