oneliners

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.

The difference between the Pope and your boss…. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Why do snakes always lose in court? Answer: They don’t have a leg to stand on!

She used to have a broad mind and a narrow waist; now it’s the other way round. It was a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers. Psychic wanted – you know why, and where to apply. I don’t think they really wanted me in the marching band – they gave me a…

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn’t doing what I was doing. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said, “pet…

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret around a clock? Because time will tell.

Where do fish keep their life savings? At the river bank!

So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog. Coffee, Chocolate, Men … Some Things Are Just Better Rich. Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen…

When you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws, just catapults.

Every solution breeds new problems.