oneliners

“AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY.” -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher “WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND.” -US Marine Corps “CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop. “IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU.” -Infantry Journal…

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

My grandson is four and can recite the whole Gettysburg Address. Abraham Lincoln couldn’t do it until he was fifty-four. – Sam Levenson.

Famous Last Words: “The gun isn’t loaded, ok?” “Yes, I double checked.” “This fuse should give us plenty of time.” “I don’t think he has a gun.” “This is a very safe neighborhood!” “I am 100% sure of the blast radius.”

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A closed…

Real friends are those who, when you think you’ve made a fool of yourself, don’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.

Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him … get a good lawyer …keep his house

People always say that hard work never killed anyjoke. Oh yeah? When’s the last time ya ever heard of anyone who “rested to death?”

Save the whales, harpoon a fat chick!

What’s the difference between an alchoholic & a drug addict? The alchoholic drives over the stop sign, while the drug addict waits for it to turn green.

Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No? If you don’t pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!