oneliners

Murphy’s Law of Cable TV If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists? It has all the words, but they’re not in alphabetical order.

I don’t believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

My family has no traditions. We just do the same thing, over and over again, each year.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. — Jackie Mason

JUST because I have a short attention span doesn’t mean I

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember everything.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Have you noticed since most people have a camcorder these days there are not as many people talking about seeing UFOs as there use to be?

Lipstick; (noun) On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!