oneliners

Lipstick; (noun) On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!

Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

I am sure everyone has heard the saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Well, I have improved on this saying so that it applies to my life, and here it is. “If it ain’t broke, it ain’t ours!”

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he’s in need.

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut…

I use to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman’s joke, but then I was born.

What do Michael Jackson and Speed Racer have in common? They both have a monkey and a small boy in their trunk.

Q: Where do nudists go fishing? A: Moon River. Q: What do you call a singing hot dog in New York, New York? A: Frank Sinatra. Q: What do you call a really smart cow? A: Grade A beef. Q: What song do they play at plumbers’ funerals? A: Taps. Q: Where do you take…

We have all wished for something, but think about this: Hold out your hands, wish in one, and crap in the other. Which hand do you think will get filled up first?