oneliners

  • Connie Francis (1959)

    Lipstick; (noun) On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!

  • Don’t Worry…

    Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

  • Old and New Sayings

    I am sure everyone has heard the saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Well, I have improved on this saying so that it applies to my life, and here it is. “If it ain’t broke, it ain’t ours!”

  • Bayl

    When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl

  • Complaining Wife

    My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.

  • Sands

    Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

  • A Friend

    If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he’s in need.

  • Actual Headlines (2)

    Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut…

  • Discovering Oneself

    I use to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman’s joke, but then I was born.

  • Michael Jackson and Speed Racer

    What do Michael Jackson and Speed Racer have in common? They both have a monkey and a small boy in their trunk.

  • 5 Short Jokes

    Q: Where do nudists go fishing? A: Moon River. Q: What do you call a singing hot dog in New York, New York? A: Frank Sinatra. Q: What do you call a really smart cow? A: Grade A beef. Q: What song do they play at plumbers’ funerals? A: Taps. Q: Where do you take…

  • Make A Wish

    We have all wished for something, but think about this: Hold out your hands, wish in one, and crap in the other. Which hand do you think will get filled up first?