oneliners

Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Lead me not into temptation…I can find the way myself. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Miracles are performed every day, the…

“Doctor, please, I have a problem pronouncing Ts, Fs and Hs!” “Well then, you can’t say fairer than that.”

Signs in our world… Please be safe. Do not stand, sit, climb or lean on zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you and that might make them sick. Thank you. OUR AIM IS TO KEEP THIS BATHROOM CLEAN. GENTLEMEN: Your aim will help. Stand closer. It’s shorter than you think. LADIES: Please remain…

We are rated with RSAC i, SafeSurf TM Rated.

My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!

“While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was.” – Unknown

Q) What do you call an ant from overseas? A) Important

As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, “Do you have any firearms with you?” I answered, “What do you need?”

Q: What do you call a sheep that does karate? A: A lamb chop

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”

Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery. A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative. Practice safe eating – always use condiments. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. If electricity…