oneliners

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you’re working with.

Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!

How can you tell the difference between a violin and a fiddle? Look at the audience!

I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.

Room service? Send up a larger room. Who are you going to believe; me, or your own eyes? A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. One morning I shot an elephant in my…

Betcha I can give up gambling!

“For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!.” ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill

How can you be sad when you are at the Sunshine Happiness Parade of Friendly Friends?

Q: What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat? A: The Dolly Llama.

I’m so old, I woke up the other morning and thought I had an erection. I was really happy until I realized it was just a leg cramp!