oneliners

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other.

Speak your mind out when you’re angry. You’ll make the best speech you’ll ever live to regret.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? When it rains,…

I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind. I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you. Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What the hell was…

What do you get when you aim a nuclear weapon at a disobedient country? South Korean barbecue.

Q.Why did the house go to the doctor? A.To get a cure for his window pane!

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it’s too far to walk. What do you call a bright, sunny day that comes after two cold, cloudy days? Monday. A snake slithers into a bar. The barman says, “I can’t serve you, you obviously can’t hold your drink.” Which side of a chicken has…

The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.

Life is full of uncertainties…or could I be wrong about that?

These are my summer clothes. Summer paid for, summer not. How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t, you get down from a duck. Why couldn’t anyone play cards on the ark? Because Noah sat on the deck. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other “You drive, I’ll man…

My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker’s comp.