oneliners

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say, “How to Build a Boat”. – Steven Wright.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine

Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

What trees do in Spring. (re-leaf)

Do doughnut shops need security systems?

Have you seen the lottery tickets from India? If the spot on your ticket matches the spot on your forehead, you win a 7-11 store.

Lottery, a tax on people who can’t do math

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Q: What’s the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmies? A: The pygmies are cunning little runts.