oneliners

Take my wife – please!

Why couldn’t the Human Torch get married? He couldn’t find his Match!

Q.Why shouldn’t you wear snow boots? A.Because they will melt!

The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery.

I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.

There was a dyslexic insomniac agnostic. He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

Can you decipher this phrase? TTTTTTTTTT Tent.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Farmer Bill…

Did you hear the one about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard.

1. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else. 2. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. 3. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Don’t lend people money…it gives them amnesia.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s.