oneliners

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job ? A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?? V V V V V V V V V V V V V V He loved it, but it scared the heck out of his dog.

What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme!

Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water. One egg says, “Phew, it’s hot in here!” The other egg replies, “Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!”

No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.

Do you think god gets stoned? I do. Look at the platypus! -Robin Williams

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Lead me not into temptation…I can find the way myself. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Miracles are performed every day, the…

“Doctor, please, I have a problem pronouncing Ts, Fs and Hs!” “Well then, you can’t say fairer than that.”

Signs in our world… Please be safe. Do not stand, sit, climb or lean on zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you and that might make them sick. Thank you. OUR AIM IS TO KEEP THIS BATHROOM CLEAN. GENTLEMEN: Your aim will help. Stand closer. It’s shorter than you think. LADIES: Please remain…

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