oneliners

Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.

Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job ? A. Ten minutes of silence.

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way. A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago. Give and you might receive; take and be sure. I can’t remember the last time I forgot something. I’m not schizophrenic, and neither am I.…

Beer… it’s the cause and solution to all men’s problems!

Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum: “It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago.” “Wow! What did people breathe before that?”

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

What is a musician with real high morals? Virtuoso.

What’s the difference between a Mexican and a Bench? A bench can support a whole family.

Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque.

The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

It is said that “it is always in the last place you look” Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?

Q. How is a woman like a laxative ? A. They both irritate the shit out of you.