oneliners

If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife/girlfriend told you to do it?

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water. Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all…

“This storm is bad,” Bob thundered.

If your father is a poor man, it’s your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity.

What’s the Swedish word for divorce and swearing? Ikea.

I was reading an article yesterday that was talking about the University of Michigan. They referred to it as MU. This got me to thinking…. What do they call the University of Florida?

If you are in darkness, then pray to God. If you are still in darkness, then go and pay your electricity bill……

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, Olive? Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.” What’s the most popular wine at Christmas? “I don’t like sprouts”!

Knowledge cannot enter the head via an open mouth.

Can you decipher this phrase? LINE = End of the Line!

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

If it weren’t for electricity, we’d all be watching television by candlelight. – George Gobel