oneliners

I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

Q. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? A. Hailing taxicabs!

Some days you are the bug. Some days you are the windshield.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

Throwing acid is wrong – in some people’s eyes

The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn’t and she said great there’s a hammer and nails in the corner.

Foreign Film Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn’t a western.

A woman walked into a bar, and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.…

Any wire cut to length will be too short.

At the end of a T.V. show, why do they say “filmed in front of a live audience?” Well, it wouldn’t be a dead audience, would it?