oneliners

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Prudhomme’s Law of Window Washing It’s on the OTHER side.

I think – therefore I’m single. (Lizz Winstead) In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher) When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler) I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I…

Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter? Because the quarter had more cents!

Vacation begins when dad says. “I know a shortcut”!

Why are Democrats better than Republicans in bed? You’ve never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you?

You know that you’re a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear,…

Why do Gynecologists retire at a younger age that other doctors? They get tunnel vision!

Beauty is only a light switch away

I bought a book called “How to Hug,” and when I got it home, found it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia. I phoned the gym, and asked if they could teach me to do the splits. The girl asked if I was flexible, and I said I couldn’t do Tuesdays.

It’s impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters.