oneliners

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS “One sec, I’ve got to go the bathroom!” 🙂 “It doesn’t hurt… that… bad…” “This stuff works just as well!” “It looks like it’s coming right towards us!” “Here, let me handle this, forget the cops!” “I read this in a ‘how-to’ magazine once.” “No I’m not a skydiver, but I did…

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He…

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes. Dockyard: A physician’s garden. Incongruous: Where bills are passed. Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston. Oboe: An English tramp. Pasteurize: Too far to see. Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose. Toboggan: Why we go to an auction

Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this! Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again. Someday I hope to get married, but not to you. Sorry things didn’t work out, but…

Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

The gangster’s last words – “Who put that violin in my violin case?”

The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 4. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after. 5. Do I look like a people person? 6. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with…

Famous last words: “Ok, I’m only going to have one…” — Said the polygamist right after marrying his first wife.

Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.