oneliners

Never test the depth of water with both feet. Don’t take candy from strangers, unless they offer you a ride. I’ll start exercising as soon as i get into shape. If you have something to say, raise your hand and put it over your mouth. Maybe you should go to e-bay and buy a clue.…

When you marry, your spouse’s family become “in-laws.” So, when you divorce, does that make them “outlaws?”

Which came first – the chicken or the egg? It depends on who got laid first!

Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?

rudeness – someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.

When I fly, I go Air Bizarre. It’s a good airline. You buy a one-way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday… That way you still have the weekend. If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? I broke a mirror and got seven years…

My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.

Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…

“I love you” is eight letters, but so is “bull shit.”

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

What’s the difference between two yards? A. Usually a fence.