oneliners

What’s a man’s ultimate embarrassment? Having an erection, walking into a wall, and hurting his nose.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. Why is a river rich? Because it has two banks. What is a foreign ant called? Import-ant. What do ants take when they are ill? Anti-biotics.

Q: What’s green, has 3 eyes, sharp teeth, and blood on its face? A: I don’t know, but it’s on your shoulder!

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Race is just a pigment of the imagination.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other.

Speak your mind out when you’re angry. You’ll make the best speech you’ll ever live to regret.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? When it rains,…

I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind. I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you. Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What the hell was…